I decided to post today while looking ahead to my plans for next week. I'm going to spend a longish weekend with my birthmother and her family in Knoxville. I dug through my private blog archives (from the long lost, dusty days of MySpace) and pulled up my entries from when I initially found her. I wanted to post them here not just for those who might read them, but also for myself--to remember. It's become so comfortable that I guess I needed to be reminded of how far we've come. So here goes. Memory lane...
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6/25/06 found her
Current mood: content
I finally got up the nerve to make the call today. Took me several hours of crying and a little panic, but I called. My biggest fear was that I wouldn't know what to say, but she fixed that because she had *so* much to say. Turns out we were both keeping low expectations--she thought I'd only be interested in contacting her for my family's medical/health history in case I ever wanted to have kids; I thought she wouldn't be that interested in getting to know me--and we were both wrong. She's lovely, and what's awesome is that she made it clear that she knows I have a family that I know and love as my *parents* and that she has no intention of trying to take their place. She said she'd very much like to be like a big sister to me, or, as she put it, wherever I can fit her in, she wants to be a part of my life. This is such a relief! Oh, and get this--I have a little brother and sister!!! Aack! For the first time in my life, I'm not an only child! So weird. My sister is 10, and I got to talk to her for a couple of minutes; my brother is 12 and was a little too shy to get on the phone, but considering he's a prepubescent boy, we'll understand that and give him time. : ) Also, she said that my birth father (long story there) has at least two daughters that she knows of, so I have *more* sisters! The thing there was... they got married about a year after she gave me up but separated two years later, sort of a peaceful, mutual "we made a mistake" thing. They still communicate every now and then, apparently. The last time they spoke was a few years ago, and he asked her if she'd heard anything from me yet, but they couldn't have because I wasn't 21. So she said she would give him a call and let him know about me, and eventually I'll probably get to meet him and his family--way more than I expected, since the fathers usually don't want anything to do with the kids in adoption situations. She lives in TN (driving distance, so we may be going up there soon to meet her) and he lives in NJ (definitely not driving that far anytime soon!) where they are both from. So yes--I'm a yankee. DO WHAT NOW?!? (Ana was ecstatic--for those that know Ana, you will understand.) And we figured out that she's where I get my musical side--she and her kids all sing, her son plays guitar, and her daughter plays piano. Her daughter is also in a theater workshop this summer (how ironic since I'm *teaching* theater this summer) and is very much of an artsy turn of mind. She sounds a lot like me at her age. She sent pictures too! She and the kids are all fair-skinned (like me!) and thin (not like me!). She and her daughter have my face shape, nose, and chin, and her daughter has blue eyes like me. Her son doesn't look a bit like me, and he's 5'9" at age 12! Her husband and mine both think we look alike--I see it a little bit, but it'll be interesting to see if we have similar mannerisms and whatnot. It's nice to have this all out in the open.
So that's what's been up... thanks to everyone who prayed for me on the birthmother issue. Things are going great and I suspect they will only get better from here.
6/28/06 so what do *you* think?
Current mood: curious
observe: my half-sister, my birth mother, and me. resemblance?
(little brother has been omitted from comparison, as it seems he is the mini-me of his father, who is not my father)
7/4/06 after 21 years...
Current mood: full
I promised. Here it is.
So for those of you who've been keeping up with the Janae show, I spent the past weekend with my birth mother and her family. It was Family Day at camp (oh the irony) which means all our campers' parents came that afternoon for a long program in which the kids performed all the stuff they'd been working on the last 2 weeks. All that to say, I spent the day running about like a headless chicken, making props and getting costumes in order, so I had exactly zero minutes to think about meeting my birth mother that night. It worked out well, because if you know me, you know ordinarily I'd be nervous as all get out. I mean, who wouldn't? But as soon as post-program cleanup was over, I headed back to the apartment to take care of the puppies, and we left as soon as Scott got in from work, about 5:20. This was the plan: since Scott's mom and dad didn't want to keep the puppies for the weekend, and since boarding costs ridiculous amounts and doesn't even allow them exercise or playtime, and since they're too complicated to get someone else to come and let them out and feed them for 3 days straight, *and* since my husband is too much a protector to let me make the 3-hour drive to Tennessee by myself, he decided he'd drive me up, spend a little time there, drive back, spend Saturday resting from the drive, then drive back up Sunday morning, get our Meggie to come let the puppies out that afternoon, and both of us come back late Sunday night. I tried to talk him out of it, but if you know him, you know how he is. : ) It was only supposed to be a 3-hour drive anyway. We just didn't take into account the holiday traffic. Yeah. We were on I-26 for an hour and a half around Asheville (I think) and went 15 miles. Besides this nice little detour we took in Hendersonville where we got in the middle of road construction and *that* took another hour. We finally reached their house at 10:30. When we got there Chris (birthmother) cried just a bit, and we both laughed a lot, and just sat there at the kitchen table and looked at each other. Not saying much, what is there to say at that point? It just took a while to take it all in, finally meeting a part of you that's been missing 21 years. Weird feeling. So when we finally got past the awkward silence, we talked a bit with Scott and Riley (my ten-year-old sister) while Chris's husband Danny (not my father) and Taylor (my twelve-year-old brother) were kinda bashful and didn't talk much. Eventually Scott left and the boys went to bed, so Chris and Riley and I stayed up till 3am talking. Riley has a mouth like mine, so it was hard to get a word in edgewise and ask the questions I really wanted to ask Chris. It was still cool talking to them though. Riley found my knitting in my bag and wanted to learn. That was also distracting. But fun. The next morning we all sat around--Riley and I knitting, Taylor playing guitar and singing (we figured out where my musicality comes from). Chris decided she wanted to learn to knit too, so we took a trip to Michael's and they got needles and yarn (clearance only--I also figured out where my severe frugality comes from). So when we got back home and all sat there on the loveseat knitting, Taylor played his manly guitar and made fun of us for knitting. Then all of a sudden *he* decided he wanted to learn. But he refuses to call the needles anything but "sticks." Cute kid. We were up late again that night--knitting and having a singalong with Riley's keyboard. Sunday morning we lazed around, and Scott got there before brunch. We spent most of the day just talking and visiting and taking pictures, and of course, knitting. We left out about 8 that night. Chris cried and cried when we left, but I promised her we'd see each other very soon--they're coming down here in a week and a half.
Everyone thinks Chris and I look a lot alike. I definitely see it from the nose down. She's so beautiful though, I don't think I can compare myself to her. Her personality and attitude are very easygoing, not in a hurry, just sweetly and contemplatively enjoying life. She looks very much the California girl and is skinny (darn her) and smiley. She looks and acts a lot younger than her age, so it's hard to think of her as a "mom" at all--I definitely see her as more of a big sister. She's awesome. I think the biggest surprise of the weekend was finding out how truly much she did want to keep me, but she gave me up for my own good and has regretted it ever since, to some degree. She told me over and over, "I wish I'd kept you, but you turned out so much better than you ever could have with me." She's such a sweet woman. Loves God very much, loves her family, loves music, loves animals, loves helping people. She and her husband own a bus company (selling and renting tour buses) and she developed a side business of sign-making and lettering (for the buses) which she uses as kind of a pro bono ministry. She's helping this band from Charleston by making decals and bumper stickers with their name on it, trying to help them with publicity and stuff. That's why they're coming down in a week and a half--the band, Leslie, is playing in downtown Greenville next Thursday night, and she wants the kids to see them in concert.
Speak of the kids--Taylor is 40 trapped in a 12-year-old's body. They don't have cable or satellite at their house (good for them, I say) so he and Riley watch DVD collections of old shows like Andy Griffith, A-Team, McGyver, Dr. Quinn, and his favorite, Dukes of Hazzard. He's amazing on guitar and has such a sweet little voice--pretty deep for a 12-year-old, actually. He likes Johnny Cash and bluegrass, and he likes dressing up. He saved up his own money and bought his first tux when he was 7, and wore it to school. No occasion, just wanted a tux. He's very sarcastic and brainy and just fun. I like him a lot. I taught him to play "Bad Day" on the keyboard and he's gone crazy with it.
Riley is full of energy. She's just like Scott's 10-year-old niece Abby--never quits going. She's always bouncing around and talking and saying "yeah" when you tell her stories or explain things, very much the "oh, of course I understand" type of kid. She looks a lot like me. Except she's skinny and all legs. We have the same profile and eye color (which is weird since Chris and Danny both have brown eyes, and my birthfather who isn't Riley's dad is where I thought I got my eye color) and the same skin. She's also musical (I got her some starter piano books for the keyboard she just got) and craftsy. I was amazed she could sit still long enough to knit. She's loving it though--making clothes for her teddybears. Small steps.
Chris's husband Danny reminds me of everyone at my home church--quiet Southern guy who sits in the corner and doesn't say much, but you know he's paying attention and taking everything in. He's a hardworking, good-natured, supportive guy and a great father to Riley and Taylor. I like him a lot too.
They also have the fluffiest kitty I've ever seen, bar none. Her name is Muffy, and she has long fur growing between her toes. She is the queen of the house, and we bonded over the weekend. They also have a cute dog about Karma's size named Lizzie who has the most gorgeous ice-blue eyes ever.
I feel so blessed to have so many families. My mom and dad and their families are awesome. Scott's family is also awesome. And now I have a third family that is equally awesome. I'm a lucky girl.
Pictures of my weekend are here.
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One of my kids' vocab words last week was "nurture," and I used my adoption story to illustrate the difference between this and nature. I've always been really interested in the Nature vs. Nurture debate because of my background. Meeting Chris and getting to know her over the past five and a half years has allowed me to come full circle with that and to form my own theories on the argument. I've concluded I'm almost exactly half and half. (And no, that's not a copout.)
If you've met my mom, you know I'm her made over. She came to my school last week to do a cake demo for my kids for careers, and I got to watch her as an instructor... and I realized, though I didn't technically learn teaching from my mom, I picked up on so many of her tendencies. She bounces around--not in an unorganized way, but trying so hard to get in every little detail that's important. Guess who also does that? :) We're alike in too many ways to count. I inherited her workaholism, her drive, and her inability to say "no" to anyone... among other things.
Then there's Chris. Chris is where I got my music--and that, to me, is at least a third of who I am, despite how exaggerated that might sound to some. (It's kind of like that movie August Rush, except way less dramatic.) I also got my psychoanalytical side from her, I think, and a little bit of OCD, and possibly some of my love for animals... and other things I'm continuing to learn more about.
It makes me wonder what, if anything, I got from my birthfather. Am I like him at all? I'm not a great deal like Dad (though I love him dearly and am my Daddy's girl through and through), so I wonder if maybe who I am is primarily an amalgamation of my moms. Maybe he was just the one who made my blue eyes blue. Thinking about it makes me wonder, probably for the eightieth time, will I ever get to find out?
Well, that's enough soul-baring for one week. Off to lesson planning and playwriting!
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